Aging Millennial Considers Dropping Everything and Moving to Cabin In Woods Almost Daily

WINNIPEG, ONT– Local man Darron Winfree doesn’t know what else to do. He’s been “climbing the corporate ladder” and upgrading employers withing his industry seventeen times over the past seven years. A slight raise here and there though, has unfortunately not been enough to meet the ever-increasing costs of living and a desire to binge out on drugs and alcohol just to cope with life’s monotony and profound meaninglessness. Rent is unaffordable, food is astronomical. Don’t even get him started on gas! And with a child now on the way, there’s no telling what kinds of expenses lie ahead that could potentially devastate his and the life of his unwed baby mama.

And nevertheless, Winfree keeps showing up to work every day. Unsure of what else to do, he’s exhausted by the time he gets home, too tired to acquire a side-hustle or think of any other ways out of this proverbial hamster wheel. Life off work is spent in front of the tube, girlfriend mutedly yelling in the background about things you just can’t, or are simply unwilling, to change and fight about. 

In comes the cabin in the woods ad he saw between TikTok videos. “You’ve thought about it, you’ve daydreamed about it. Wouldn’t it be nice? No wife, no kids, no responsibilities besides those you choose to place on yourself, like fishing, or your favorite beer.  Can’t love her, can’t chop her up into tiny pieces and tell the neighbors she’s in Palm Springs either? Cue Cabin in the Woods!”

“At least my days can now be better spent fantasizing about leaving all your asses behind. One day, soon, even if I have to sell both my kidneys to do it.”, promises Winfree.

“Your Paradise. Your Escape. Cabin In The Woods. Disappear Today.”