Scumbag Universe Promises Not to Have Sun Swallow Entire Solar System

“Look at you. Struggling. Taking things seriously. For what? Do you think we’ll ever make it out of here alive? We’re all going to die one day, and not just you, but your kids, their kids, humanity itself.” These seems to be the thoughts plaguing recent PhD astrophysics graduate and Nobel laureate Ben O’bsolete.

That’s because scientists have recently discovered that approximately 7.6 billion years from now, the Sun will lose about 33% of its present mass. This in theory will result in our Earth's orbit expanding significantly, in proportion to the remaining mass of the Sun. While Mercury and Venus will supposedly be engulfed by the expanding Sun, the Earth is said to will have “survived” the ordeal.

“Well if you think about it, the Earth “surviving” could still go a number of ways”, said Professor O’bsolete, “Even if we’re not swallowed by the Sun, it’'ll still probably result in some type of catastrophic weather and geographical changes- assuming humanity even still exists then, let alone on Earth. What a mindtrip. Why am I even doing any of this?”

Scientists are working tirelessly on developing renewable energies and expanding space travel, but those come second on the list after seedless watermelons so no one but Monsanto can maintain sustainable agriculture.